food, feelings and beliefs

I just finished reading the book Women, Food and God. While there were some passages that resonated with me there were also passages that just made me feel like even the author didn't fully get the link between our thoughts and associations with food and our relationship to and beliefs about God.  Maybe it was just a theological difference in how the author sees God and how I see God. 

I wanted to find Christ in the book and not a generic perception of a spiritual wonderment that is encompassed in all of life.

In Russia I used food to console myself when life was hectic, to reward myself when things were good and to make others happy when we were doing ministry.  So many of my emotions and beliefs about myself are tied to food. 

Next week we will be going through our debriefing time at the Missionary Training Institute in Colorado. I am ready to process my feelings about life in Russia, life without my kids in the house and what lies ahead in Belize.
So here I sit... thinking about food, feelings and cultural attitudes about both and wondering what God wants me to do with it all.

grateful

I am so grateful.

Grateful for the five years we were allowed to live in Russia. We made a home there. We had a life there. We have some very dear friends there. Looking back I can say that it was hard. Unbearably so at times. But we did it. I did it.

Being the only black woman in our region meant that I was a spectacle. Everyday I was stared at, photographed and questioned. I was never treated rudely. I was not harassed or harmed. Just annoyed.

Now we are here in America and there are lots of women of color around and I feel normal again. I didn't realize the joy I would feel at being ordinary.

I am indeed grateful.

and so it begins

I am not one to complain.

I am normally one of those glass half full kind of people.

But, I have to admit that we are entering into a season of life that I dread.  When we get on the plane Monday morning at 6 am we will be 'homeless'.  Homeless in the sense that we won't have a place to call ours until we get to Belmopan.  Our apartment here in Russia has been sold.  

For the next two and a half months we will be staying with friends and family... dependent on the kindness and hospitality of others.  Is this a bad thing?  No.  I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to use their gifts to bless others, even if those others are us.  (smile)

Knowing that I have a Father who never wastes a hurt, experience or trial but uses them all for His glory, I believe that this time will enrich our lives.  I believe that there will be bright spots over the next few months.   One of which will be seeing my mother and getting a hug from her for the first time in 3  years, another will be spending time with our oldest son whom we have not seen for 2 years.

However, I also have to acknowledge my sadness over leaving this apartment, selling our furniture and appliances, and leaving behind friends and church family.

My sons became men here.  My husband and I grew closer and became partners in ministry here.  I grew up spiritually here.  Letting go is never easy. 

I don't know how long it will take me to feel at home again once we reach Belize. 

I do know that it may take a while, a season, for me to let go of the feeling that Russia is home.

getting started

today i had the chance to spend some time alone in thought... that led me to start this blog.

so here goes.